Facing the person in the mirror

This is exactly what I looked like when I left America, si o no?

Three months left. What an adventure these past two years has been; more highs than lows, but lots of new experiences and more than enough time spent in my own company.  When I look in the mirror, two years after setting foot in this country, I gaze back at myself and appear to be pretty much the same.  I’m a little dirtier, maybe carrying a nice little recuerdo of the rice and potatoes so generously offered in abundance.  I might have a few more wrinkles from the strong Peruvian sun and laugh lines formed from the shared experiences and ridiculous cultural exchanges, but when it comes down to it, I’m still me; still Kelsi.  After two years in Peace Corps I was subconsciously expecting a grand transformation of sorts; some revelation about my purpose in life or the hidden way the world works. 

Despite incredible new experiences, defeating challenges, emotional blows, exhilarating successes, and true fulfillment, I feel like the same person.  However, when I look in the mirror there is something different, something that’s developed over the last two years that I can’t quite put my finger on. After pondering what that that extra little something might be, I think I finally identified it: comfort.  I have spent the last two years learning to rely on myself and serving as my own personal entertainment.  Out of necessity I’ve become comfortable with myself; my quirks, my strengths, my shortcomings, and my convictions. 

Regardless of a wonderful host family and a supportive community, life in Peace Corps can be lonely and I’ve learned to be able to spend time with myself.  Coming to Peace Corps fresh out of college was a dramatic transition. I spent four years living with my best friends in a beautiful college town, where I was constantly surrounded by others.  Everything I did was accompanied by other people and I thrived on the social interactions, sharing every detail of my life with those around me.  I didn’t have any need to entertain myself or contemplate on any grand level who I was or what I stood for. I’ve always been a strong person and known what I thought and believed.   However, I did not know how to “just be” and embrace time alone.

 

Many long nights here in Poroto have taught me the pleasure of my own company and I’ve realized that I can only make others happy if I’m happy first with myself. The time and leisure of thought and reflection afforded to me during Peace Corps has been both a blessing and a curse.  In an atmosphere conducive to emotional instability, it can be torture to be trapped in my own head.  Simultaneously, it is through those quiet times of reflection, doubt, and questioning that I’ve gained self-confidence and become truly comfortable with myself.  I may not know exactly what I want out of life or the path that I’ll take in the future, but I do know myself well enough to be confident in my ability to own my decisions and figure it out.  In America it can be far too easy to hide behind friends, a job, a lifestyle, a boyfriend, or an image, but here you have little else to rely on but yourself.  Stripped of any comfort, support, or familiarity you’re forced to embrace who you are and work with what you’ve got.  Resourcefulness and self-reliance come fast or you’ll drown.  No one is here to hold you accountable or keep you grounded; every day you have to wake up and learn to live with yourself.  I’ve learned to speak my mind, form strong opinions, and truly battle internally over what I believe and what I want out of life.

  I’ve learned to take ownership over my decisions, even if they’re hard, and I’ve come to realize that life cannot be perfectly planned.  Life is messy and emotions are fragile, but strength and confidence are born out of insecurity and struggles.  I still don’t have concrete answers, but I do know myself much better.  Every day circumstances happen that are out of our control; projects fall apart, people disappoint, plans change.   Life happens and we can’t change that, but we can change how we react, how we face obstacles, and how we respond to life’s twists and turns.  So when I look in a mirror I realize that Peace Corps hasn’t turned me into a hippi (fortunately) and I am no closer to understanding the meaning of life (unfortunately), but it has given me the time to get to know myself.  My thoughts, my beliefs, my hopes; the good, the bad, and the messy, and with this knowledge of myself I’ve learned to enjoy my own company. The luxury of alone-time has armed me with a sense of self that will help me navigate the next phase of my life, and with this self-awareness I feel ready to confront the next set of challenges and adventures that life will bring.